How to Set Boundaries in postpartum
Setting boundaries in postpartum can be difficult, but necessary. I think, like with all postpartum planning, boundaries should be discussed before the baby arrives. It’s important for you and your partner to be on the same page. If you are not, then to make a plan together. After you’ve figured out what’s right for your family then you need to share it with those close to you. Let me tell you a story about setting boundaries in postpartum, AFTER the baby here.
At 34 weeks 5 days my water broke in the middle of the night. Within an hour we were in the hospital, already 4cms dilated. A quick discussion led to an emergency c-section. My family was supposed to visit that weekend before the babies came. Well turns out Evie and Poppy had a different idea. A quick chat on the phone after the girls were born my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew decided to keep their flights to come and see us. At the time (the same day the girls were born), we didn’t realize kids were not allowed in the NICU and only found out a few days later. Once we knew this we shared with my brother and sister-in-law, so they knew before they arrived the kids couldn’t hold the babies but could see them through the window. I never set any postpartum boundaries, I didn’t even think I would have to.
The day they arrived the flight was delayed. We were almost finished with feeding, changing and holding the girls in the NICU. My parents had been waiting outside for my brothers family. When they got to the hospital my mom ran in to let us know, the NICU nurse immediately yelled at her and told her to get back to the door with her outside jacket. If you don’t know this about the NICU, there are very strict rules. Although our girls were 5lbs and healthy there were other babies much smaller and with more severe health issues in the NICU. When you enter, all outside clothing (jackets, sweaters, hats, etc) need to be taken off. Then you have to scrub up to your elbows with a strong soap. Wipe down your water bottle and phone with a strong disinfectant wipe.
My brother and his family were able to see the girls through the glass as Mark held their little bodies up for them to see. I cried, it felt like our family was complete with Evie and Poppy. Feelings of overwhelm, joy and happiness flooded me. Afterwards we went back to our hospital room. As we were visiting, my nephew was scratching his face, I didn’t think anything of it and asked him what happened. He then informed me the doctor thought he had chicken pox. Then my niece pipes up and says, I’ve been home all week with daddy because I’m sick. Insert an audible gasp and absolute terror. Not only was I a new parent, but a NICU parent. If I had a runny nose or visible rash on my face I would not be able to enter the NICU and hold my babies. I felt paralyzed. After they left, Mark and I both looked at eachother in stunned silence. Then I started to cry.
We made a game plan, we didn’t know what was the right thing to do so we talked to the pediatrician who’d worked with us in the NICU. Mark explained the situation with possible chicken pox (also my sister-in-law letting us know she’d never had them) and my niece being sick. He told us it was a definite risk. Obviously the kids couldn’t go into the NICU but the parents could be carrying the virus of chicken pox or the cold and not showing symptoms yet. We were going to have set boundaries in postpartum, only 3 days in.
We let my brother know what the pediatrician had said and Mark also spoke to him on the phone. I was inconsolable. The tears flowed. I couldn’t talk to them. If they were unsure about coming why didn’t they ask? I found out later my mom knew they were sick and my nephew possibly had chicken pox, but never said anything. Selfeshly I am sure she wanted to see us together, but in the end no one informing us so we could check with the NICU and doctors lead to us having to set some hard boundaries. They couldn’t go intot the NICU. This wasn’t something we decided on a whim, it was actually what the NICU pediatrician recommended. Not easy, but the right decision, not only for our family but for all the NICU babies.
My brother and his family have not spoken to us since. It’ll be 4 years in January.
We had to set a boundary, based on a doctors recommendation and for the safety of all the NICU babies. If I had to do it over, I’d make the same decision but have the doctor deliver the news. Then it wouldn’t be personal because it wasn’t.
My story may be heartbreaking, but it shows you how some people do not want boundaries in postpartum. They want what is best for them, without thought for the baby or parents. Making sure you are clear with the boundaries that work for your family before your baby arrives, ensures no one will be surprised. If there is pushback I hope your family and friends are able to have an open discussion with you. Although it probably won’t change what’s right for you and your family. Everyone can listen to each other.
Up next I will discuss another event where we had to set a boundaries in postpartum and clearly outline why it was best for our family. After that I will outline some ways you could set boundaries and how to share them with your support team and family/friends.
