I never prepared for a NICU stay and didn’t really understand what being in the NICU would mean. Being a NICU mama meant I had to leave the hospital without Evie and Poppy. This was something I was not ready for. We ended up staying in the hospital for seven days. I don’t think I needed to but with our quick birth and twins in a NICU, I couldn’t leave. When we were finally discharged, I didn’t realize I’d been holding my breath. As we pulled out of the hospital driveway I started to sob. It was the first time I cried since the babies were born. Up until that point I was in survival mode. As we drove away from the hospital the thought of not being down the hall from Evie and Poppy was too much.
My body shook as I sobbed in the front seat. I was so attached to our baby girls, carried them for 7 months and here I was, leaving them. I don’t think most people understand how difficult this can be. In the NICU we were on a schedule, coming in every 3 hours, with an extended period overnight, to feed the girls. It wasn’t as simple as a baby being next to me in a bassinet and I could pick them up whenever they needed me. I didn’t even hear their cries overnight as the NICU nurses took care of them.
I continued to leave them for 16 days, multiple times per day. It was never easy, but seeing them get stronger was worth it. First they moved from their incubators to a shared crib. Then they slowly started taking less feeds off their NG tubes and full feeds off the breast. Their umbilical cords fell off. They had their first bath. They’d start to wake before their feeding time, crying to let us know they were hungry. Slowly, it felt like the heartache was worth it.
Although I continued to leave my babies, one day we showed up to the NICU and were told we were going home the next day. I sobbed again. Being a NICU mama every day feels longer than the next. All you want to hear is, “You’re going home.” In the grand scheme of things, these 16 days were only a moment but they felt like a year.
To all the NICU mamas, you are stronger than you know. I’m sending you all my love and strength to get through this difficult time.
