Why I want to Support Mamas on Their Postpartum Journeys
I gave birth to the wrong baby. This thought pops up from time to time and sends me into a bit of a spiral, even now, three years on. Why do I want to support mamas on their postpartum journey is because my journey into motherhood was very different than I imagined.
My Loss Story
In November of 2018 I found out I was pregnant. We were over the moon! All of our planning had fallen into place. We dreamed of a family but had decided to first purchase a home and get married, both big steps and purchases! Plus a lot of planning, so having a baby was at the bottom of the list. Finally it was time! We had our first ultrasound scheduled for right before Christmas. I was so excited, since we were not able to make it to my hometown for the holidays, we would have this special news to share with my family. I couldn’t wait.
We, like most couples in this situation, went to our first ultrasound giddy with excitement. We couldn’t wait to see that little screen and hear the heartbeat. I was imaging how I would surprise my family on Christmas day with the big news. The ultrasound tech was quiet. Too quiet. I honestly can’t remember how it happened. I think a doctor came in to talk with us and let me know there was no hearth. No heartbeat.
I had follow up appointments to decide what to do as my body didn’t want to let go of this pregnancy, we decided on the vaginal pills as a DNC was not recommended for my age. I took the pills, bled a lot and thought that was the end. All of Christmas was quiet. Slow. I looked pregnant but I wasn’t. Felt pregnant but there was no baby. The joy I wanted to share was taken. When I did talk with my parents, they didn’t know what to say and honestly didn’t provide the support I was looking for or the low I wanted.
Then on New Year’s day 2019 I started cramping. I would’ve been 11 weeks at this point. These cramps got more and more intense. I writhed and screamed in bed for over 12 hours as I gave birth to a baby with no heartbeat. Who wasn’t growing but was still there. Mark kept trying to help me and I would scream at him to go.
I birthed that baby and then went to work the next day in a big sweater like nothing had happened. It was as if I shut it up in a box and put it on the shelf. Not many people knew, except a few friends. It was as if it never happened. But it did.
The loss of this birth came up a lot during my twin pregnancy. It was more the focus after my emergency caesarean as I thought to myself I birthed the wrong baby. I didn’t get to birth the babies that are here to stay.
For support you can check out links via Postpartum Support International.
