Breastfeeding was Not Easy for Me

Breastfeeding was one of my biggest struggles in the beginning. I tried everything to help my milk come in, ate all the recommended food, drank loads of water, used a hospital grade pump, hand expressed, made Mother’s Milk tea, consumed the lactation cookies and the big tip from the NICU, look at photos or videos of your baby while trying to pump or hand express. Normally a mama would have her baby next to her, my babies were down the hall in the NICU.⁠

Learning how to breastfeed in The NICU

The girls were very small and I had big breasts. Trying to hold their tiny little bodies in place while also correctly flattening my breast was difficult. This is going to sound silly, but my hands are small and I had a really hard time trying to grab and flatten my breast. I had to do this or their tiny faces drown in breast. Literally. Plus the NICU is kept at tropical temperatures, combine this new skill with nerves and hormones, I was a sweaty, SWEATY mess. Breastfeeding wasn’t a calm and intimate experience. I was surrounded by nurses, strangers, my parents, Mark, all while trying to learn how to breastfeed our babies. I felt embarrassed, disappointed and ashamed. ⁠Plus this was on all display for everyone to see.
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In this photo above my mom is NG feeding a baby and Mark is trying to help me with my breastfeeding journey. It is the only photo I have of me breastfeeding. After this I asked everyone to come after the feeds were finished. It was overwhelming trying to learn to breastfeed and having so many people around. I regret this now, as I know everyone was there to support me. In the moment it was the right decision. It allowed me to relax, spend time with Evie and Poppy and not feel rushed when trying to breastfeed them.

Breastfeeding was a journey

Please don’t think after our time in the NICU I was doing really well with breastfeeding. I was not. When you’re in the NICU they weigh the baby after a feed to see if they had enough milk. They’d ask me first if I knew the baby had enough and whether my breast felt different. I could never tell the diffference after breastfeeding if the baby had enough milk or my breast was not as full. Shouldn’t I be able to tell? Also why did they let me leave the NICU without really knowing the answer? I have SO MANY questions.

Those first nights home were beyond anything I could imagine. We went from a NICU schedule of feeding everything 2 to 3 hours to feeding round the clock. I don’t think the girls were getting full feeds and I am not sure my breasts were producing enough milk. (I found out later there was leftover placenta, my milk and the girls pooped definitely changed after that was fixed.) Coming off pain meds, sleep deprived, trying to feed one baby at a time, I never slept, it felt like I was breastfeeding around the clock. One night I was feeding a baby (I do not remember who) and the other one woke up screaming. Sitting in a chair I wasn’t in the ideal position to tandem feed and I’d only practised it once prior to that moment. The poor little baby in the bassinet was beyond upset. I somehow held the one and scooped up the other to feed. After that I realized we needed help. This wasn’t something that was going to come naturally for me. Plus there were two.

My Breastfeeding advice for new mama’s

You guessed it! Start thinking about breastfeeding BEFORE the baby arrives. Honestly, I wished someone had given me a doll, show me different breastfeeding holds and how to feed my babies. Knowing what to expect before it happens can change everything. Setting up the feeding stations in areas you know you will be comfortable and best support you in your feeding journey. Mama if you’re struggling with breastfeeding or feeling unsure, know there is support out there, you are not alone.